Such a thoughtful and caring question. So why does it sometimes fill me with dread? It’s lovely to be asked but also I don’t always know how to answer and can set me off in a panic. A small number of people can tell how I am just by looking at me or simply by the sound of my voice.
The automatic response can be “I’m ok thanks how are you?” but this a lie in part. As I have said before there are no cures for my conditions meaning that every day in some way is a battle. If I use a standard response and say I’m fine or good does that then mean you will think I’m cured? That I’m ok/normal? The next time the person sees someone else and asks about me and you are told the truth the response has been “well she said she was fine to me!” Who can be thought of as a liar then?
Do I tell the truth even on the worst of worst days and ruin yours? That I haven’t been able to get out of my pyjamas and cried all day. That I thought of a new way to commit suicide? How I changed a part of my funeral plan. That I suddenly want to give away everything I own and run away. That yesterday I was absolutely sure that the person next to me was someone it wasn’t? That that tree over there looks fabulous and that you must come and see this amazing leaf that grew just for me? These are just a small selection examples of how your day is now ruined. These are things you shouldn’t be thinking or worrying about.
So sometimes I dodge you or the question or change the subject. Sometimes I might lie to you, but please don’t think bad of me. It’s just easier for everyone. If I don’t answer, there is a good reason for it or I just don’t know how to. I’d much rather hear about how you are and what you have been doing. That being said, how will I feel if you stop asking me how I am? Yep, that’s the dilemma and welcome to my messed up brain. You’re welcome! x